Confused and frustrated.

Hi!

Sorry it’s been a while, but, this week something happened. I was at a summer day camp at Francis Tuttle and it was amazing!!! It was a 4 day camp, and we got to investigate crime scenes and do a mock trial!! The last day though, it was tough. Not just because an amazing camp was ending, but because the wipe that was being used to clean. It had isopropyl alcohol in it. Let me backtrack a little bit, the thingy they used to clean the area around my port was called chloraprep. It had isopropyl in it. I think you can see why that was a problem. Anyway, the day before, I briefly thought “Oh, huh, I wonder if Mr. Lyons ( the teacher) still has those wipes that smelled bad.” Last year, he had us wipe down the counters and I smelled it, and it was rough but, I stepped out and in a few seconds I was fine.

This year, I wasn’t so lucky. I was sitting next to the one person I knew from taking the same camp last year, then I smelled it. I started hyperventilating, and then if that wasn’t enough, I started crying. Eleanor (my friend from last year) noticed, and asked if I was okay, and could just shake my head, no. Then, being a really nice friend, she offered to just clean our part of the table. While she was doing that, I asked Mr. Lyons what type of alcohol it was. He told me, and then asked if everything was okay, and if I wanted to step out. So I did. After that, I stood in the hallway, then he stepped out too, and said, “Do you want to go on a walk? Yeah, let’s go for a walk.” After a little bit of walking, he asked if I wanted to tell him what was going on. As I was starting to tell him the quick version (While still crying), I got to the point when I said, “When I was nine I was diagnosed with cancer,” I heard a little oh, come from him. Not like a ‘Oh that sucks’ one but a ‘Oh, you poor creature’ one, which, 1. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten that reaction before, and 2. This is the same dude that just put on two different crime scenes, with blood (It’s fake, don’t worry.), and a murder weapon, and did a murder case for mock trial, and he’s just like, ‘oh, you poor creature.’ Don’t get me wrong, he’s a really nice guy and not scary at all, but I just really wasn’t expecting that reaction to come from him.

Anyway, after I finished explaining, he was like “Yeah, I can totally see why that’s a problem.” And he was super nice, and understanding, then he had me sit down in a office that had some adults in it and got me a water bottle, and left. After a little bit another fun thing happened. My right leg started shaking uncontrollably, and I was like, ‘oh this hasn’t happened in a while’, the last time it happened, I was rope climbing and really high up and I got scared. While that was happening, a adult, I think she was a college student, sat down next to me and we started talking, and I realized that talking through things even though sometimes it’s hard, helps me process things.

When I was in the classroom, I tried everything I could to calm down, like, reminding myself that no, I’m not in a hospital room getting ready to get a needle stabbed through my chest, into a thing connected to my heart to get poison pumped through my whole body, instead I’m in one of the coolest places I’ve been in and done SUPER cool things in, and that didn’t work. Neither did looking around, reading the things on the walls, focusing on the texture of the table, chair, and my cardigan thing. I pictured my brain basically having one of those red sticky-outy lights that makes a siren noise that isn’t turning off, and a mini me yelling at it to ‘just shut up!!’ So, next year when I go back, because IT’S AMAZING!!! I know to bring my lavender scented necklace for the last day.

Sorry, I know this is really wordy and long, and it kinda seems like it belongs on the lump saga, but it’s helping me process things. Kudos to y’all who actually finished this!!! Congrats!!!!!